When It All Falls Apart
by LittleLissi
Summary: There's a crash. And then everything changes. Teen.
1. Prologue

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart(Prologue)  
_"And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you  
Somebody else gets what you wanted again  
You know it's all the same, another time and place  
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it  
But I believe in whatever you do  
And I'll do anything to see it through..."  
Change- Taylor Swift_

We can never really have what we dreamed we'd have.  
And things are never as simple as they were meant to be.  
And even though you swear to yourself you'll never change you still find yourself looking in the mirror a year or so later, and not seeing the same person in front of you. And you find that words you say and things you think have changed so much in that time. You find that you've changed so much in that time.  
Things that seemed impossible back then are things that have happened now and seem like nothing, and the things you wanted then are things you don't even care about now. There are different worries and different problems; things that seemed important are suddenly worthless. Certain people suddenly mean more, while other people mean less. And your dreams change. The people you dream about changes.  
And it just proves that we can never really have what we dreamed we'd have.  
And things are never as simple as they were meant to be.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 1)  
_"When the tears fall away  
And there's no conversation.  
There's nothing left to break  
That's not already broken.  
You're staring into space,  
And every inch of silence.  
Been standing here for days, and days..."  
Said It All- Take That_

"So, what? What are you going to say this time?"  
Newt looks up to see that she's looking at him as if she expects an answer. Of course she wants an answer. Everyone in this world wants answers.  
"I'm... sorry." He mumbles simply, barely moving his lips to say the words and keeping his gaze firmly on his shoes.  
"You're sorry? You're sorry?! And that's meant to be enough!?" She sits herself down on the sofa in front of him, as if she's hoping this'll make him look up and listen to her. But he's heard it all before. And he really can't be bothered to listen again. "What... what happened to you? You used to be so different. It's like you don't have a soul anymore, Newt." He snaps his head up then, and looks into her eyes. He used to swear she was the one without the soul. That she was the one who lived in the past and was just like the other clones in this stupid village. And now she was saying it to him.  
She looks at him exasperatedly, as she had for the last few months every time he'd come home later than he'd promised. Sometimes they'd shout. They'd have proper screaming matches that'd wake up the whole house and they'd both say things they didn't mean. He'd bring up her lies; she'd bring up his regrets. And other nights she'd just leave him alone. She'd watch him with sad eyes as he headed straight into his room and that'd be the end of it. Some nights she'd even wait up with Jack, who would shout about how much he'd disappointed the family. But every night he'd end up in the same place. Lying in his bed with his music busting his ear drums so he can't hear himself think.  
"Where have you even been?" She asks, like she does almost every time.  
He never tells her. Because he's not completely sure there's an answer. There's no explanation for why he wanders round the village deliberately until it's past 11o'clock and then heads home. He doesn't go to 'think', because any more thinking after all this time would just turn what little sense he's made of the whole thing into useless thoughts. And there's no one he meets while he's out every night. They're all out with each other.  
He sees them sometimes, hanging around in the skate park laughing and joking as if they're best friends that go way back. When really the only thing that unites them is their hatred of him. And it's justified, the hatred, of course it's justified. But no one can blame him more than he blames himself.  
"I said I was sorry." He sighs, realising that, judging by the bags under her eyes, he'll be left alone in a minute or two.  
"It's all you ever say." She shakes her head, then stands up and walks towards the kitchen, which means the talking is over and Newt can leave now.  
So he does.  
He doesn't look back as he heads up the stairs, carrying his phone in one hand and his jacket in the other. And then he goes into his room and locks his door with the locks he fitted last month after having enough of Frankie going inside and looking through his stuff. It's his stuff. His rubbish.  
Some of the junk in his room means things. The old concert tickets and t-shirts he's got from concerts with Lauren, or the old pieces of paper he'd thrown notes to Anita on. Or the skate board he borrowed off some guy to take Theresa home on after she fell over. And then there's the pictures, and the videos, that are mostly of Lauren when he went through the whole "cinematic" faze. He knows she probably has no idea that even one of them exists, but he's not about to tell her now. She doesn't even speak to him anymore.  
The rest of the rubbish cluttering his floor is just that: rubbish. And he steps over it and takes off his clothes, adding it to the piles on the carpet then climbs into bed. His earphones go into his ears almost automatically and they're already playing music so loud that he can't think any more. Because it's the only time he could think, if he wanted to, when he's in that weird state between sleep and awake.  
So he closes his eyes and hopes that the music'll cloud over any dreams he might have tonight. Because dreaming never helps anyone. And the nightmares just bring everything back.

---  
When he wakes up in the morning he finds himself remembering, even though he doesn't want to.  
He dreamt about it again last night, even though he had begged his mind to let him have one night without thinking about any of it.  
It was more detailed then it was normally. Even though he can recite what happened- God knows he had to do that to the police- he's still never dreamed it quite as exactly as he had last night. It's like it becomes less and less vague every night. Eventually he knew he'd get to the point where he was just reliving it, and he wasn't sure if he could handle that.  
He turns over to see that the clock's flashing 13.02. It's a pretty average time for him to wake up lately, especially since the summer holidays started.  
He gets up after watching the clock flash at him for 7 minutes 44 seconds, and pulls on whichever clothes are nearest.  
And then he goes downstairs into the living room to see something unusual. Normally they'd all be out now, at their jobs or out with the children, but today their all sat on the sofas talking urgently. His family. If you could call them that.  
Their heads turn when they hear him at the bottom of the stairs, and their eyes track him as he goes into the kitchen and pours himself some orange juice. He stands there and drinks it, still not saying a word. He knows they all want him to say something. They want him to burst out into tears and confess that he can't cope with the guilt anymore. They want him to turn back into the weak little kid he'd been this time last year. Before he changed. Because he'd admit that he's changed, and he can't get the person he used to be back. Too much has happened since then. The old person's dead. And everyone misses him.  
After about 10 minutes of sitting there silently Jack finally speaks.  
"We wondered if we could have a little family meeting with you, Son?"  
Newt holds back the laugh at the word son. Because he's not his son. And he doubts he'll even be living with them for much longer, judging by where this 'family meeting' set up.  
"Listen Newt, we know you're having a really hard time lately, what with the crash and-"  
"I'm ok." Newt shrugs, not looking at Frankie, Steph, Darren or Jack even though they're all looking at him.  
"You can't be ok, mate." Darren says, in a voice Newt's never heard before. It's sympathetic, and it's worrying, and when Newt glances up he's sees that the look on Darren's face matches his voice. "And we don't blame you for being upset and behaving a little... differently since then, but you've got to let it go. No one blames you for what happened."  
If that was true there would be no problem. But everyone blames him. Everyone who truly knows what happened blames him.  
But Newt nods anyway, and makes up some rubbish about promising to be home on time tonight. And then it's over, and he leaves to go back to his room. Because he doesn't want to talk about it. He never wants to talk about it.  
When he gets upstairs he throws himself onto his bed and stairs at the ceiling.  
He's fed up of hearing that he's not to blame. If it was the truth he'd have listened, and he would've got over all of this along time ago.  
He couldn't even blame someone else even slightly. It all came down to him, and how he'd behaved. He'd lied to them both, and magically managed to keep it up for almost the whole school year. It'd started with Lauren, during the summer, when she'd come round to his house all upset, and he'd comforted her. And from then on they were 'back together'. And together they decided not to tell anyone. Because their parents would just murder them for it, and their friends would just get all annoying and nagging about it. So it was their little secret. And for a while it was perfect. He'd missed her, if he was honest. He'd always loved her, when he thought about it. Ever since he saw her on the jetty. But then, around Christmas, he gave into temptation. Because Theresa had always been there, waiting for him. And he gave in. And suddenly, by 2010 he had two girlfriends, and neither of them knew about the other. He told Theresa not to tell anyone because it would upset Lauren, and she agreed, smiling about how caring he was. When he was saying all these words and spinning all these lies it didn't even sound like him. It was all just out of control. And he planned to stop it one day. But it was so perfect for him. With Lauren it was familiar and comfortable, and he'd never had familiar before. It was love. Actual love. But with Theresa it was something different. It was exciting, and it was daring. And there was always something new. But if it came down to it he would choose Lauren, because he loved her. He just wasn't ready to give up Theresa yet. He was still young, and he was just 'taking what he was offered' as Darren would put it.  
He never could've imagined how it would all come out. He never thought people would get hurt like they did.  
They'd been on their way back to Hollyoaks after they'd gone into Chester to celebrate Anita's birthday. And they'd made Newt drive, even though Theresa was the only one who wasn't 17 and hadn't got her provisional drivers license. But no, they'd ganged up Newt and made him drive because he was the only guy. And Anita had bagged the front seat and kept changing the channel on the radio, even though there was nothing good on as it was almost 11o'clock at night. Theresa and Lauren were sat in the back, both of them smiling at Newt through in the rear view mirror without realising the other was doing it. And then suddenly it happened, before Newt had even processed what Anita has innocently said, it was out and everyone knew.  
"So, when were you going to tell us that you and Lauren are back together, eh Newt?" She asked, smiling.  
Theresa questioned it instantly, and Lauren told everyone everything. And then Theresa told Lauren everything. And then suddenly they were all screaming, pulling at the seatbelts and trying to launch themselves at Newt to hit him properly instead of just kicking the back of his seat. Anita was looking around guiltily, trying to get them to all shut up and yelling at Newt to pull over, whilst Lauren gave up the shouting and dissolved into hysterics. Theresa carried on kicking and screaming, yelling about how worthless and selfish Newt was. And he didn't say a word. He carried on driving and trying to ignore them both. But then in one moment it hit him. He'd hurt both of the girls who were important to him and he'd changed completely from what he used to be. So then he decided to speak.  
"I-I'm sorry-"  
But he never finished his sentence. Because now they were all screaming again. But for different reasons. And for a second they were all united in fear instead of divided by lies.  
And then it all went black.  
Newt couldn't say how long it was until he woke up, but when he did he instantly turned himself around in the car, to see that all three girls were unconscious. Lauren was covered in broken glass from the smashed window next to her, while Theresa had hit her head on something and her blonde hair was slowly getting stained with red, and Anita... Anita didn't look too bad, all things considered. She wasn't as glass covered as Lauren or as blood soaked as Theresa, and if anything she looked almost peaceful. So why was she the one that never woke up?

Newt would never believe anyone that told him it wasn't his fault. It was. It all was.  
He lost control of everything; his life, his car, his heart... and he'd paid the price. No she'd paid the price.  
And ironically she was the most innocent out of all of them.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 2)  
_"Every day I sit here waiting  
Every day just seems so long  
And now I've had enough of all the hating  
Do we even care, it's so unfair  
Any day it'll all be over  
Any day there's nothing new  
And now I just try to find some hope  
To try and hold onto  
And it starts again  
It'll never end..."  
Heavily Broken- The Veronicas_

Theresa had woken up in a hospital bed the day after the crash.  
And, selfishly, the first thing she'd noticed was that her extensions weren't in her hair anymore. And she'd looked around the empty room for a mirror and then walked into the bathroom because she couldn't see one in her room, completely ignoring the throbbing headache she'd woken up with.  
And sure enough, her extensions looked like they'd been ripped out of her head, leaving her with a stupid little blonde bob. But as she turned to see what it looked like from the side she'd seen red patches in her hair, and she'd lifted up her hair to see a huge white bandage from the left side of her head to above her ear. Then she screamed. It was like instinct.  
"Theresa!?" she heard Jacqui's voice and span around, giving herself a head rush.  
"I'm in the bathroom." She shouted back. It felt like her voice reverberated around the room, went screaming back into her ears and bounced around her brain.  
"Theresa!" Jacqui stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips. "How long have you been awake for?"  
She shook her head, but then regretted it as her head seared with pain. "Not long. Like, 2 minutes?"  
"Well, get back into bed!"  
Theresa obeyed and dragged herself towards the hospital bed, wondering how she'd managed to get out of it with so much energy just a few minutes ago.  
Jacqui rushed out of the room and yelled for a doctor, and a few seconds later a large, friendly looking man was stood at Theresa's bedside and Jacqui was sat down on the other side.  
"Ah, Theresa, you're awake!"  
"Um, yeah. Clearly." Theresa replied sarcastically.  
"And, can you remember anything from the crash?"  
Theresa nodded. "Yeah, I can remember everything."  
"Jolly good!" the doctor smiled.  
Theresa blinked back. How could anyone think that remembering a car crash was a good thing? "Wait a second, why did you ask that?"  
"Well, Miss McQueen, we were just concerned that there could've been some damage to your memory from the head injury you received, but you seem fine."  
"Yeah, I-I'm fine." Theresa replied. Head injury? Suddenly she had a uncontrollable urge to rip off the bandage and see what was underneath it. "How's everyone else?" She asked, suppressing her own selfish questions.  
And then something very weird happened.  
Jacqui stood up from her seat, and grabbed Theresa's hand, while the doctor suddenly looked very worried.  
Theresa looked between the two of them frantically. "What's happened?"  
"Well, Theresa. Mr Newton is fine, he's just-"  
"I don't care about him."She replied simply. He was the last person she wanted to hear about.  
"Well, Miss Valentine received severe trauma to her head, so has been put into an induced coma to give her brain a chance to recuperate-"  
"Recuperate!? And what if it doesn't? Is she going to be ok?"  
"At the moment we really are unable to say, but she's showing some good signs of recovery."  
Theresa stared back, shocked. The idea of never seeing Lauren again seemed unbelievably alien to her. Especially now she'd found about her and Newt. She needed more information about their relationship. And there she was again, being a selfish cow.  
"Lauren's also undergone surgery to re-align her collar bone."  
Theresa nodded. "And Anita?" she whispered. Anita was the most important person in that car to her, even before she knew that Newt was a lying, cheating... She couldn't lose Anita. She just couldn't.  
Jacqui held Theresa's hand tighter and Theresa knew that couldn't be a good sign. Her heart started to beat faster and tears rose in her eyes before she even knew she was scared.  
"She's alright isn't she?"  
The doctor looked at her sympathetically.  
"I'm so sorry. Anita had suffered too much internal bleeding. She was declared dead at the site of the crash. The paramedics did everything they could..."

Theresa curses herself for remembering it again. Because what good do memories do now? They can't change anything. Nothing will change no matter how hard Theresa wishes for it. So there's no point remembering.  
She hops down the stairs and plasters a smile on her face. There's no point having problems in the McQueen house, because they all look like nothing against what that family's been through. The novelty of Theresa's best friend being dead wore off within a few weeks, and then her cousins stopped asking how she was, and went back to her own lives.  
When she gets into the kitchen she sees that it's unusually full. Mercedes and Malachy are feeding each other breakfast at the table, with Micheala sat next to them reading the paper while Carmel paints her nails.  
"Hey!" Theresa says, in a sing-song voice, getting herself some breakfast.  
"Morning." Mercedes mumbles back, not paying any attention to anyone but her husband.  
No one else says anything to her, so Theresa leans against the counter and reads Micheala's paper over her shoulder.  
And then something catches her eye, and she finds herself snatching the paper off Micheala before she's really thought about it.  
She ignores Micheala's whines as she tries to read.

_Headmaster quits job after tragic death of daughter  
Govinda Roy, the headmaster of Hollyoaks Comprehensive today announced his decision to resign from his post as headmaster after only a year in the position. The decision came after his 16 year old daughter tragically died in a car crash in May. Reportedly, Mr Roy and his family are planning on moving away from Chester._

Theresa reads it again, as if the more she reads it the less true it'll be. She isn't completely sure why she cares, but she does. But at the same time she finds herself jealous of them. She wishes she could leave and try and move on from everything that happened.  
"Hey!" Micheala shouts, pulling the paper back and slapping Theresa's hand at the same time. "What do you think you're doing?"  
"Sorry, I just wanted to read that bit about Mr Roy." Theresa mumbles back.  
"Yeah, and what does it say?"  
"He quit. He's moving. Him and all the family."  
Micheala suddenly doesn't look as angry, and Carmel puts down her nail polish.  
"Bel told me about what you and Lauren did for Anita. It was a really nice thing to do." Carmel says carefully.  
Theresa still didn't understand how they were getting all the credit for that. It'd just sort of happened in the common room. People just started writing their memories of Anita on the wall. How kind she'd been and how much she'd cheered people up. It hadn't been Theresa or Lauren's idea, they were already doing it when Theresa had arrived on their first morning back after the accident. That morning was bizarre. No one had asked any questions, or tried to get any gossip. In fact, no one said a word. It was like the whole year was united in grief for a moment. They'd all made a mass decision to walk from school to the funeral together, so none of them had to grieve alone. Almost 200 pupils, walking for almost 20 minutes in complete silence, and then filing into the church completely silently, even though they'd never once managed it for a single assembly. She'd never forget the Roy's face when they'd turned around to see the whole of Anita's school year stood at the back.  
Nearly the whole of the school year.  
Except for one person.  
The person who was to blame for the whole thing.  
He was too much of a coward to say goodbye.  
Theresa shrugs. "It wasn't us. It was everyone."  
Carmel smiles, and after a second or two Theresa turns around and heads out of the kitchen.  
"Where are you going?" Carmel calls after her, tottering out of the kitchen and looking at Theresa as she picks up her coat.  
"To meet Lauren." she replies as she walks out of the door.  
Lauren was the only person she had left. She was the only person who understood. And she was the only person who knew everything. Well, almost everything.  
Because Theresa had been the one who had had to tell Lauren the truth, it just happened that when she did she missed out the most recent bit of history...

The day Lauren was due to wake up was the same day Theresa was discharged from hospital, so instead of going home she'd gone to Lauren's room, to visit her. She'd been there before. She'd just sat and watched as Lauren lay there and the machines beeped out her heart rate. It was weird, but she felt some sort of connection with Lauren that she hadn't felt before. Maybe because Newt had done exactly the same thing to her.  
When she'd arrived on Lauren's ward, the chairs outside her room were full. Leo, Sasha and Calvin were sat there, looking worried. They all glanced up when she walked past, and Theresa smiled back weakly.  
"They're just changing all her medicines and drips, and then we're allowed back in because she should wake up ." Sasha said, tiredly.  
Theresa nodded and glanced up the corridor for an empty seat. And that's when she saw him.  
It was the first time she'd seen him since the accident. He looked no different than he had that day. No cuts, no bruises, no blood, no stitches... He looked completely untouched. She suddenly felt unbelievably angry. Why should he be completely fine when Lauren was lying unconscious, Theresa had 16 stitches and Anita... well, Anita wasn't doing anything anymore?  
She gave Newt the dirtiest look she could muster and sat on the only empty seat opposite him.  
He was just sat there, all innocently listening to his iPod as if he hadn't done anything wrong. She sat there and watched him for a long time, until a load of doctors and nurses came out of Lauren's room and a doctor turned to everyone who was waiting, who had stood up in sync.  
"She should be regaining consciousness within the next hour or so." The doctor told them. "It's more likely to be sooner rather than later, judging by her brain activity."  
"And will she be ok?" Calvin asked worriedly.  
"We can't say until she's awake." The doctor replied, sympathetically.  
"But, she'll remember who she is won't she?" Theresa had wondered this too. What if Lauren's long term memory was affected and she didn't even know her own name? That would mean that Theresa would be left basically alone.  
"We can't say how her memory will be affected. It's unlikely it's so extreme that she's forgotten her identity-"  
"But it's a possibility?"  
"We can't say, Mr Valentine. We just have to wait."  
Leo looked frustrated, but turned and headed into the room anyway.  
"The visiting limit's 3 while she's unconscious. We don't want her to be in overly stressful situations when she wakes up so it's better if there are less people."  
"You go." Newt told Sasha and Calvin before Theresa had a chance to speak. "I'll wait out here."  
"Thanks, Newt." Calvin says gratefully. Theresa suddenly felt angry again. They obviously didn't know just how much Newt was to blame for everything. She didn't say anything though, instead she just smiled at Calvin and Sasha as they went inside and then sat back down, facing Newt again.  
"What are you doing here?" she hissed once the door was shut.  
"Theresa, I'm sorry, I just-"  
"I don't care about your apologies, I just want to know why your here."  
"I wanted to explain to her-"  
"Why haven't you tried to 'explain' to me!?"  
"Theresa...I love her."  
The words hit her like she'd been slapped around the face. But then she suddenly understood. Newt didn't love her. He loved Lauren. He'd always loved Lauren.  
It made sense, she guessed. They never really fit together, but it was like opposites attract. And then she realised that ever since they'd gotten back together he'd never once said he loved her. She'd just sort of assumed he did.  
Tears rose to her eyes but she held them back. He couldn't see her cry. She'd look too weak.  
"She won't want to see you, you know." Theresa said spitefully, without really thinking about what she was saying. "If she's anything like me, then she'll never want to see you again." Newt looked back at her guiltily, but Theresa carried on. "I mean, even if she could've forgiven you for cheating on her, for lying to her for all that time, she still won't be able to forgive this. Because all of this is your fault. You're the reason she's lying in there, and you're the reason I have this huge gaping hole in the side of my head. And you're the reason Anita's dead." Newt shook his head as if he was trying to forget Theresa's words, and tears fell down his cheeks. "You killed her." She hissed. "And we'll never forgive you for it." Theresa held back sobs and concentrated on getting rid of him. She couldn't let him talk to Lauren. Something deep inside her was making sure that didn't happen. "You killed our best friend. And we hate you for it. Both of us."  
And as if by magic Newt jumped up out of his seat and ran down the corridor. When he got to the door he turned around and looked Theresa in the eye, with a look of sadness that seemed so familiar that she stopped holding on to her sobs and burst into tears.  
"I'm sorry." He cried before shutting the door behind him.  
And Theresa watched after him, wondering what she'd just done.

---

Theresa spends her evening with Lauren as they normally did; talking about everything and anything other than the accident, Newt or Anita. It was like an unspoken rule between them that they didn't bring it up. It hurt too much for both of them.  
Theresa and Lauren walk different directions at about 10 o'clock. They can't be bothered to stay out late because there's nothing interesting happening tonight. So Theresa walks home on her own, texting people on her phone so she doesn't feel as lonely. It doesn't really work. She's still very aware of how alone she is as she scuffs her feet on the pavement, looking down as she goes.  
But when she glances up, she realises she's not alone.  
Newt's walking towards her, looking more tired and lonelier than she's ever seen him. She's seen him before when she's been out, and he's always on his own, walking aimlessly around. But normally she ignores him and pretends he's not there. But now it's too late for her to cross the road, because he's looking up at her nervously, as if he's scared of what she'll say. But she's scared of what she'll say, because she seems to lose control at the mention of Newt, never mind when he's actually there.  
She stops when he's a metre or so from her, and then she has to stay there. Because she can't change her mind now. It'd show she's not sure what she's doing. And he can't know she doesn't know what she's doing. He has to think she's strong.  
"Hi." She finds herself saying before she thinks it through.  
"Hi?" he replies.  
And she doesn't know what to say now. She doesn't care how he is, so she won't ask that, and she can't just walk away.  
"How are you?" he asks nervously.  
"Ok." She replies.  
"And how's Lauren?"  
Theresa laughs slightly to herself. Of course he asked about her. The last time he saw properly her she was probably unconscious in a hospital bed.  
"She's fine."  
Newt folds his arms protectively. "Good."  
Theresa nods awkwardly and walks past him. That's the end of the conversation, there's nothing more to say.  
Until she suddenly finds herself turning around and shouting at him. "Why didn't you go to the funeral?"  
He blinks back, but doesn't answer.  
"You're a coward, do you know that?" And then she runs away before he has a chance to say anything. She runs all the way home and up into her bedroom locking her door before calling the only person who can help her.  
"Hi, this is Anita. I can't answer the phone right now, but if you leave a message I'll call you back."  
"Hi, Neets." Theresa's already crying from hearing her voice again, but she doesn't stop herself this time. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm letting you down. I bet your watching me and wondering what I'm doing. But I don't know. I'm sorry I lied to Lauren. I am. It just... seemed easier that way. I can't let her have Newt. I can't let them have each other because then I'll be on my own! And I know it's selfish. It's so unbelievably selfish... but I've already lost you and Newt. I can't lose Lauren as well." She sobs for a second, and tries to think about what she really wants to say. "I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm nothing without you! You're the one who keeps me in control and stops me doing these stupid things. And if you were here then... it'd be different. It'd all be different. But it's not. And you're not here. And I miss you." And then she hangs up the phone and decends into hysterics. She knows it's pathetic. That's why the doors locked. And it'll stay locked until she wakes up after crying herself to sleep. And then she'll pretend to be ok for another day.


	4. Chapter 3

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 3)  
_"Baby that beauty in goodbye  
There just no reason left to try  
You push me away  
Another black day  
I count up the reasons to cry  
Look what you've missed, living like this..."  
Nobody Wins- The Veronicas_

When Newt gets back in the house at half ten Frankie looks like she might faint with surprise.  
"Newt! Y-You're home."  
"Yeah." He replies quietly, still trying to process what happened on his walk tonight.  
"You ok?" she asks worriedly.  
Newt nods. It's easier to nod then lie.  
"Ok, well I'm going to go to bed. You can turn off the lights down here, can't you?"  
Newt nods again.  
Frankie smiles, and walks up to Newt and hugs him. "Thank you."  
"What for?" he mumbles back.  
"You didn't let me down this time." She smiles.  
Newt smiles back weakly, thinking about the way she's said 'this time'. He knows he doesn't deserve her. He always seems to be disappointing people. He can't do anything right anymore. Even if he did, it wouldn't change anything.  
"Night."  
She's gone up the stairs before he can reply, and he watches after her.  
He has so many things he still wants to tell her. She doesn't know the truth about the accident. Well, she knows what happened. She knows the car swerved into the ditch. She just doesn't know what happened before.  
He couldn't tell her truth though. He doesn't want to admit what he became. He couldn't tell her how much he hurt people.  
He regretted not going to the funeral though. He just... couldn't handle it. He couldn't look at all the hundreds of people who were upset because of what he'd done.  
He was coward. Basically. Theresa was right. He's too scared to face up to what he'd done. He refused to accept the consequences. He was too scared to admit that he was hurting, because he didn't feel like he deserved to hurt. He was too scared to miss her because it just reminded him that she was gone.  
He couldn't keep living like this. He's too scared to show any emotion around his family, in case they ask questions. Because he can't carry on lying to them. And he has no one outside the door either. They all hate him. Theresa had reminded him of that tonight.

There's no way out anymore. It's a vicious circle he'll be stuck in until the day he dies.  
Realising this, things suddenly feel much clearer than they have done in a while. He knows what he is doing next. He has a plan.  
He walks into the kitchen and reaches up to his schizophrenia pills that had been put on the top shelf to keep them away from Tom, Holly or Charlie. Once he's got them in his hand he fills up a large glass of water and puts them both on the coffee table in the living room. And then he reaches for the nearest piece of paper, and grabs a pen. The pen is Holly's. It's a high school musical one. He's not sure why he notices this, but he feels like he should fill his life with as much as he can before it's over.  
And then he starts writing.  
Everything he's ever felt or thought. Everything he wants to say.  
It takes about 20 minutes to write down everything. When he finishes, he wonders if he's forgotten anything. But it doesn't matter. He won't be able to change it afterwards.  
He folds the paper up 4 times, and then scribbles her name on both sides of it. He can just imagine if Frankie found it and thought it'd just be a blank piece of paper. Then it'd all be for nothing.  
He unscrews the medicine bottle and tips it over. The pills flood the table, some of them spilling over onto the floor.  
It doesn't matter anyway.  
He closes his eyes and breathes in. Really breathes in. He wants his lungs to fill up with air. Suddenly breathing seems so important. Something he must do hundreds of times in a day suddenly means everything to him.  
He tries to remember why he's doing this. He's useless on this earth. He's causes nothing but pain. He doesn't deserve to keep breathing while Anita's ashes are blowing through the air.  
He turns and looks around the room.  
This really isn't the place he imagined it'd all end.  
And he always thought, he'd die feeling happy, and complete. Surrounded by the people who love him. Instead he's got the opposite. He's on his own. And he's not been happy for months.  
He looks down at the table, and reaches his hand out and picks up the water.  
How many tablets did Lauren take? 6. 6 tablets, and Lauren survived.  
So what would kill him?  
7? 8? 9?  
He stops counting after 16.


	5. Chapter 4

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 4)  
_"Making castles in the sand  
Afraid no one else would hold my hand  
I'm stained from the world  
Sad, sad, sad little girl..."  
In Your Eyes- Anastacia_

Lauren had never really slept well. Even before she moved to Hollyoaks. She had never been able to just close her eyes and turn her brain off. It didn't work. In fact, if anything, her brain would turn on once the lights were off, and make her think even more.  
She used to force herself to dream, because she heard dreamworld was a nice place. But she never dreamt. She always lived through her memories in sleep. And Lauren didn't have many good memories. And all the good memories she did have included the one guy she couldn't let herself dream about.  
Lately Lauren had gotten even worse at sleeping though. Because every time she fell asleep she relived things she didn't even remember living. She gets into a car... Everyone in the car is all smiley and happy, and they're laughing as Newt pips his horn at people they don't even know... She sees Newt's reflection in the mirror of the car and he's smiling at her... And then it goes fuzzy... She can hear yelling and crying, but she doesn't know where it's coming from...And then she's lunging forward, and hears deafening screams from every angle... And then it all goes black.  
It's all she knows of the crash, other than what Theresa's told her. And it's frustrating to know that it's probably all she'll ever remember.

The day she woke up, Sasha, Calvin and Leo had been at her bedside, looking nervous. They hadn't said much in the twenty minutes they'd sat there looking at her worriedly while Lauren demanded water and gazed around the hospital room. Eventually Leo started talking. Well, not talking... asking. How old was she? What was her full name? What happened on her 7th birthday? What GCSE results did she get? Lauren thought it was really quite cruel of him to fire her with all these questions when she had been unconscious not long ago, but it seemed to be cheering the family up a little bit more every time she answered a question correctly. There was only one question Lauren couldn't answer.  
"Do you know why you're here, Lauren?"  
Lauren looked down for a minute, and tried to think. "No." She replied simply after racking her brains.  
"You were in a car crash."  
"What!? When!? With who?!"  
"8 days ago. Newt was driving-"  
"Is he ok?" she asked at the mention of his name.  
"Yes, he's just waiting outside-"  
"I want to see him!"  
Leo nodded, as if this is what he was expecting.  
"Do you want us to go or...?"  
"Yeah, sure. Whatever!" Lauren replied quickly. She just wanted Newt next to her telling her everything was going to be ok.  
Leo shook his head, resignedly and then stood up. He looked down at Sasha and then she stood up as well.  
"I can tell you're ok if you're asking for Newt." Calvin smiled, standing up too and heading to the door.  
Calvin and Sasha left the room, and Leo stayed stood over Lauren's bed. "I'm glad you're alright, baby girl."  
Lauren looked up to see he had tears in her eyes, and she started to wonder just how lucky she is to have survived.  
"I'm fine, Dad. Don't worry."  
Leo smiled. "Tell one of the nurses if you need us, we'll just be in the Cafe getting coffee."  
Lauren nodded, and then watched as her Dad walked out. Then she sat up, and gazed around the room, looking for a mirror. She wondered what a state she must look like if she'd been in a coma for a week.  
She heard a noise at the door, and looked up to see that Newt wasn't there. Theresa was.  
Something about Theresa didn't look right. She had short hair and was wearing trackies but that wasn't it. Theresa walked closer and Lauren saw that she had tears in her eyes, and tear stains down the side of her cheeks. There was no smudged makeup because there was no makeup at all, and she had a huge bandage on the side of her head. Theresa looked sad, for the first time in Lauren's life.  
"Where's Newt?" She asked quietly.  
Theresa sighed sadly and sat down on the seat next to Lauren's bed. "You can't remember the accident can you?"  
Lauren shook her head. "No, but why-?"  
"What's the last thing you can remember?"  
"Erm, singing happy birthday to Anita in the restaurant, and then going into the lift with Newt and..." She reconsidered what she was going to say, remembering that she and Newt were a secret, so she couldn't exactly say that they were kissing in the lift. "Going into the lift." She corrected herself.  
Theresa smiled sadly, as if she had understood Lauren's correction more than she was meant to. "You can't remember anything after that? You can't remember the car journey or the accident at all?"  
"No." Lauren laughed slightly, to hide her fear. "But why would I want to remember the accident anyway?"  
She could already tell that something was wrong with the way Theresa looked at her. She looked so sympathetic, yet wishful at the same time. As if she wished she couldn't remember it either.  
"What happened Theresa?" Lauren asked, panicking now. Why would Theresa, of all people, visit her? And why wouldn't Newt? And hadn't her Dad just said that Newt was outside waiting for her? Where had he gone?  
Theresa pressed her lips together, as if she was forcing herself to consider what she was saying instead of just blurting it all out.  
"You were seeing Newt, weren't you?"  
Lauren blinked back for a second, wondering whether she should tell her or not, but then figuring she must know something to have even asked the question. "Well, yeah, but it was a secret and-"  
"I was too."  
There was a long silence, where Lauren stared at Theresa and tried to take this in, because Theresa was being so painfully honest for once in her life. But something inside Lauren's brain was rejecting it, and refused to let her believe she was telling the truth.  
"He was seeing us both at the same time, Lauren. We found out in the car on the way home from the party. That's why we crashed, because everything just turned to mayhem and Newt lost control of the wheel."  
Lauren stared back. "I don't believe you."  
Theresa met her gaze. "You have to, Lauren. Because I'm the only person there is to believe."  
Lauren expected herself to cry, because she could feel her heart cracking into a million pieces. But she didn't. Somehow she carried on staring at Theresa with completely empty eyes, while Theresa stared back with eyes that were filling with tears.  
"Well, what about Anita? Why don't you get her in here and she can tell me what really happened."  
Tears started to drip down Theresa's cheeks, and Lauren didn't know what she'd said.  
"Didn't your family tell you?"  
Lauren shook her head fearfully.  
"Anita can't tell you."  
"Why not?"  
"She died, Lauren."  
"No." Lauren shook her head quickly, trying to erase the words she'd just heard. "No. No. No. No."  
"Lauren, I'm sorry."  
Lauren realised she had tears dripping down her face now. "Well, what about Newt? I mean, Dad said he was outside-"  
"He was. But he left when the doctor said you were going to wake up. I don't know, I guess he just felt guilty, because Anita's already... you know, and he just didn't want you on his conscience as well?"  
Lauren sniffed. "Newt wouldn't do that."  
Then Theresa did something completely unpredictable. She grabbed hold of Lauren's hand and stared into her eyes, which were overflowing with tears. "You've all I've got, Lauren. And you're the only person who understands what I'm going through, because you're the only person who's going through the same thing. Newt didn't care about either of us, and we have to look after each other now."  
Lauren nodded slowly, realising from here on in it'd just be her and Theresa.

Once Lauren's dragged herself out of the bed she walks into the kitchen, where Calvin is sat waiting for her.  
"Lauren, you're up!"  
"Yeah." Lauren replies, sarcastically. She already knew that there would be some member of her family waiting for her, as there had been every morning since she'd come out of hospital 18 days ago, but it still annoyed her slightly. She wished they'd stop worrying about her already, because the crash had been exactly 6 weeks ago today, but they just didn't seem to be able to let it go.  
Lauren smiles at Calvin apologetically and reaches up to the top cupboard but then winces as pain rushes through her neck down her arm.  
"What's wrong!?" he asks quickly.  
"Nothing, it's just my shoulder. I must've slept on it funny." She replies, rolling her arm.  
"Lauren, sit down, I'll get you some painkillers."  
Lauren nods, and walks over and sits on the sofa.  
Seconds later Calvin rushes over with water and tablets, holding them out. Lauren smiles gratefully and takes them.  
"Thanks, Cal."  
"Are you sure you're ok? You don't need to go back to the hospital again or anything?"  
Lauren laughs. "I've just got out of there- it's the last place I want to go!"  
Calvin smiles. "Ok, if you're sure you're alright?"  
"I'm fine."  
Calvin sits back on the sofa. "So, what are you planning on doing today?"  
"Nothing."  
"Wanna watch a movie?"  
Lauren smiles. She's sure that she's seen every movie her family has within the last week but she doesn't complain. She likes the company.  
"Sure. You choose."  
Calvin gets up and starts to search through the DVD collection, when suddenly there's a knock on the door.  
Calvin pulls a face at Lauren. "You expecting visitors?"  
"No." She shakes her head.  
"Me neither..." he says, jokingly tiptoeing towards the door. He opens it dramatically, but he and Lauren both stop laughing when they see Jack stood there, looking worried.  
"Calvin. Is Lauren in?"  
Lauren stands up from the sofa and stands next to her brother, who puts his arm around her protectively. The family don't know exactly why Lauren and Newt don't talk anymore, but Lauren simply said that the accident was more Newt's fault than they thought which of course meant that they hated him now.  
"Lauren." Jack says when he sees her. "I'm really sorry to bother you. I wouldn't if it wasn't important it's just-"  
"What's going on?" she interrupts, sensing by his quivering voice that something bad's happened again.  
"It's Newt. He tried to kill himself, Lauren."  
And then she feels like her heart's stopped beating.


	6. Chapter 5

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

**When It All Falls Apart (Part 5)**  
_"I thought I could live in your arms  
And spend every moment I had with you  
Stay up all night with the stars  
Confess all the faith that I had in you..."  
Three Cheers For Five Years-Mayday Parade_

"He... he did what?" Lauren replies, staring back with her eyes wide with shock.  
"He attempted suicide."  
"W-why? When? How?" Lauren stutters.  
"He tried to overdose on his medication last night. Luckily, Darren went downstairs to check he was going to bed at half eleven and he found him unconscious. The paramedics said that if he had've been left for even another fifteen minutes then he wouldn't have survived."  
"But he did. He did survive?" Calvin asks, while Lauren just stares at Jack and wills for all of this to be some cruel practical joke.  
"Well, he was taken straight to the hospital, and had to have his stomach pumped. He's unconscious at the moment but the doctors are saying he should recover."  
Lauren nods.  
There's a long silence then. Jack still looks like he has more to say, but he doesn't want to say it, while Calvin's just looking at him disbelievingly. Lauren's just trying to work out how she's feeling, not really caring if anyone ever says anything again. She can't believe how scared she got at the prospect of losing him, even though she's supposed to hate him.  
"Why did you come and tell me this?" Lauren asks, even though the answer won't change anything.  
"You're important to him, Lauren." Jack replies simply.  
"No, I'm not."  
"Well you obviously are."  
"What? Why?" Lauren feels more and more confused by the second, and Jack speaking so cryptically really doesn't help.  
"He wrote to you, Lauren."  
Jack puts his hand in his pocket and holds out a small piece of folded paper. He holds it out to her and Lauren takes it. She sees her name scribbled on it in Newt's scruffy handwriting.  
"Is this his-"  
"It's his suicide note, we think. We could only find that, and it was written to you."  
Lauren turns it over, unsure what else to do with it, and sees her name on the other side as well. "Have you read it?"  
"No. It's addressed to you."  
Lauren's not completely sure she believes the idea of Frankie not reading her own son's suicide note, regardless of who it's addressed to, but she nods anyway.  
"Thanks."  
Jack looks back at her for a second, as if he's expecting her to read it right there in front of him. But then he seems to give in and sighs. "Right, well I'm going to visit him now. If you ever want to come with us Lauren, you're welcome to. The doctors say he could be in there for a couple of days."  
"Thanks Jack." Calvin replies after Lauren doesn't. What's she supposed to say? Is she supposed to lie and say she'll visit, or tell him the truth; that she's not even sure that she cares.  
Jack smiles weakly and leaves, and Calvin shuts the door behind him.  
Lauren throws the note onto the coffee table and sits back onto the sofa.  
"Can we watch that movie now?" she asks casually, as if Jack had never been there.  
"Aren't you going to read that?" Calvin asks quietly, looking at the paper.  
Lauren shakes her head. "I'd much rather watch I Am Legend."  
Calvin stares back. "Lauren, that is your best friend's suicide note!" he replies, shocked.  
"He's not my best friend." She shrugs.  
"He was! And that's not even important. That boy thought he was going to die, and you're the person he wrote to. It doesn't matter whatever he did, he deserves for you to read it."  
Lauren looks up into her brother's eyes. "He doesn't deserve anything." Calvin stares back angrily. Lauren just looks at the floor. In truth, she simply can't read it. It's too connected to him, and after trying for this long to disconnect herself from him it would just hurt too much. "I can't read it right now." She says, knowing she sounds much more vulnerable than she had before.  
He seems to soften slightly now, as if that sentence as shown him just how little she can cope with the latest shock in her life. "Please, Cal. I'll read it later. Until then, can we just act like it's not there?"  
Calvin nods hesitantly, and then turns on the television. Lauren leans back on the sofa, and tries to come to terms with the latest revelation. She always seems to be coming to terms with things.

---

Lauren stays on the sofa with Calvin for the whole day. They watch 3 different movies and she doesn't get changed out of her pyjamas at all.  
One by one, Lauren's family arrive, each one just sitting on the sofa with the other two without really saying anything. It's as if they already knew something's wrong by just looking at the way Lauren's leaning on Calvin's shoulder with her legs crossed, while Calvin has his arm around her protectively.  
At about ten, Lauren hears her phone buzzing from her bedroom but she doesn't get up, instead she just turns up the television volume.  
Sasha and Leo both decide to go to bed at around half eleven, once they've finished the fourth movie of the day.  
"Night, little bit." Leo says, leaning over the sofa and kissing Lauren on the forehead.  
"Night Dad." Lauren replies. Sasha waves slightly and moans as she drags herself up the stairs. Laure watches as Leo follows.  
"Want to watch another movie, Lauren?" Calvin yawns.  
"Nah, it's ok. You can go to bed if you want."  
"Are you sure?" he asks.  
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you, Cal." Calvin stands up kisses her forehead. "I love you." She says quietly.  
"You too." He replies. She watches him until he's out of her sight and then she stands up and checks the door's locked, and then turns off the light so the room's only dimly lit by a lamp on the coffee table. She goes to turn it off, when the letter caught her eye. Ironically, just as she'd hoped, she'd forgotten it was there.  
And without really thinking, she picks the letter up and unfolds it.  
She wants to read it, now that she's alone. She wants to understand what must've been going through his mind. But mostly, she just wants to admit to herself that she cares. Because she can now no one else is around.  
She unfolds it again, and again, and again. It's a lot larger now she's unfolded it four times.  
It's weird, but she already feels closer to him than she has in ages. Because it's his messy writing scribbled all over the paper, not always in straight lines. And it's his words. After not hearing him say a word for so long, suddenly she's reading an essay. It's like he's sat there, whining aimlessly and not allowing her to get a word in edgeways until he's finished.  
So she starts to read, but she tells herself that nothing he ever writes will make everything ok again. Nothing will change. She'll always hate him, deep down.

_Lauren.  
There are so many things that I've never had a chance to explain. And I feel like I never will now.  
I just don't know where to start.  
I was there when Anita died, did you know that? I stayed with her, because I wanted to be with the girl who was most likely to be ok. Because she looked fine Lauren, I swear there was nothing wrong with her. And I thought that she'd wake up and then we could both just follow you down to the hospital and everything'd be perfect. But it wasn't. It went so terribly wrong. It's a blur, really. One second the paramedics were reassuring me that everyone in the car looked to be ok and then they were all shouting each other. And then they dragged Anita out of the car and knew something was wrong. Because she was so lifeless. I can't even remember how I ended up next to her, holding her hand. Even though it was useless. Because they'd already announced she was dead. But I refused to let go. I just kept hold of her hand. Until it turned cold. And even then I wouldn't accept it. Because she couldn't be dead. Not when she looked so perfect.  
It was all my fault. I realised it then, in that moment. Everything that'd ever meant anything to me was gone. And ever since then I've wished I was the one who died.  
I don't want you to think I'm a coward, for wanting this pain to end. For wanting my memory to be wiped clean and to just sleep forever. It's the only way I can free everyone from the hatred I've caused. And then you can move on with your life, away from the nightmares and the pretending. And that's what I want for you. I want you to know what happiness is again, because you're the one who showed it to me in the first place.  
I visited you in hospital once. I sat and just looked at you. And I felt so helpless. Because I'd done this to you and now there was no way to take it back. And when I heard you were waking up I went to visit you. You might know that. I was sat waiting outside with everyone else. But then Theresa told me you wouldn't want to see me. She told me you'd hate me, and blame me. It was hard enough to hear it from Theresa, but hearing you say it yourself would've killed me, so I ran.  
This isn't the way it was meant to end for me and you, Lauren. We were meant to get away from stupid Hollyoaks and live our lives together, just you and me against the world. And I know it's my fault I took that away from us. But I still wish for it every day._

I don't know how much you can remember, but the last thing I said to you was that I was sorry. When Theresa was screaming and you were crying, I said sorry. And before that, I told you I loved you before we left the lift. Do you remember that? I've never meant anything more than when I said those words.  
So the last things I said to you were "I love you" and "I'm sorry." And those words are just as true now as they ever were. And they always will be. Promise me you won't ever doubt just how much you meant to me, and how much I hate myself for letting you go.  
I loved you Lauren. I love you.  
You'll always be in my heart, long after it stops beating.  
Newt.

And just like that, everything had changed.


	7. Chapter 6

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 6)  
_"Cuz you leave me speechless  
When you talk to me  
You leave me breathless  
The way you look at me  
You manage to disarm me  
My soul is shining through  
Can't help but surrender  
My everything to you..."  
Speechless- The Veronicas_

Newt looks around the empty hospital room.  
He looks at the shut door and wills it to open and for someone, anyone, to come inside.  
Because he can't handle being alone.  
It's ridiculous that they even will leave him alone, considering that he overheard the psychiatrist describing him as "unstable".  
He hates this. He feels so stupid sat here now. It's clear that all the doctors and nurses think he's stupid or selfish for doing what he did, but he doesn't really care. They don't understand.  
But he wishes he would've succeeded, because now he's in an even worse mess than he was before.  
Frankie, Jack and Darren have already visited once today, but he's sure Frankie'll come again before evening visiting hours are over. She was sat next to him all day yesterday, even when he was asleep, and every moment he was awake she would ask careful questions, as if she was hoping one of them will trigger him to tell her everything.  
But he just doesn't want to talk right now.  
He wouldn't mind if he never talks again.  
He must have been sat on his own for almost two hours now, without anyone coming in to check he was ok and without anything to distract him. He would draw or write, but the nurses took away the pencils and pens for fear he'd stab himself. And anyway, his iPod's back at home, and he can't be creative without his music to inspire him.  
He's just been sat here, thinking it all over.  
Did he really want to die? Wouldn't that just make everything worthless? It might've been the only logical thing to do then, but he was now realising there were much easier ways to get away from everyone he'd hurt.  
He hears a knock on the door, which knocks him out of his self-sympathetic state, and he's shouts that whoever it is can come in.  
And then she comes inside.  
"Lauren? W-What are you doing here?"  
She doesn't answer, she just carries on walking towards him.  
She doesn't look happy, and she doesn't look sad. She certainly doesn't look sympathetic and he can't sense any anger. She's completely unreadable.  
But she's still beautiful. This is the closest he's been to her since he visited her that day in the hospital, and he still can't believe she's really there.  
"Lauren?" he asks again, to check she's not a hallucination.  
"What do you think you're doing?" she asks quietly. She suddenly seems more angry than she was a second ago. She seems a lot angry.  
"I-"  
"I mean, what were you thinking? Were you thinking?!" She carries on as if Newt hasn't even tried to speak. "You can't have been. I mean, what about Frankie and Jack? This is the way you repay them after everything they've done for you? By trying to kill yourself without even saying goodbye to them? It's so selfish." She shakes her head. Newt's about to speak, but he doesn't have a chance before Lauren's talking again. "I would've thought you'd have known by now, after Anita, how important life is! I mean, who could you possibly have thought you were helping!?"  
She throws herself down in the seat by Newt's bed, and he looks a little closer to see that she has tears in her eyes. He still can't believe she's there and talking to him, but he also can't believe how much he's upset her. He can't believe she cares enough to shout at him.  
"And what's this, Newt?" she asks quietly, pulling out the note from her pocket.  
"Oh. They gave you that, did they?" he asks guiltily.  
"Yes they gave it to me! It was written to me!"  
Newt bites his lip where his lip ring should be, but remembers they took it away from him so he couldn't scratch himself with it.  
"What did you think you were doing, Newt? Telling me you loved me in your suicide note. What did you want me to do? Realise I'm still in love with you, and then also realise you're dead and live with the guilt forever? Did you just never want me to forget you?" She stops talking because there are tears properly falling from her eyes now, and Newt feels guilt burn his heart. He didn't want to upset her. He never wanted to upset her.  
"I just wanted you to know the truth." He sighs.  
"Then why couldn't you have just come up to me and told me!?"  
"I didn't know you'd want me to."  
"I'd rather that than a stupid suicide note!" she yells through her tears.  
He doesn't say anything, because he's not sure she wants him to, and he doesn't want to make anything worse. So he just listens to her sobbing.  
"You're not even going to say anything? You can write it all down but when it comes to actually speaking to me you just can't handle it?" She stands up and puts the note on Newt's bed. "Theresa was right, you are a coward."  
"No."  
She'd turned to leave, but Newt had grabbed her arm to stop her before he really thought about what he was doing.  
"Let go of me." She whispers. Tears are still falling from her eyes, and she uses her spare arm to wipe them away.  
He shakes his head. "No, not if you're going to leave."  
She looks into Newt's eyes, with a look that's so conflicted and hurt that it brings tears to his own eyes.  
"Fine. I'll stay."  
Newt lets go of her arm, but Lauren doesn't move, she stays stood so close to Newt that he could touch her.  
"So, what are you going to say?" she asks, sitting on Newt's bed like she used to when Eli was around.  
And for a second everything feels like it used to. There's been no deaths, no cheating, no lying, no crashes, no coma, no surgery, no suicide... it's just Newt and Lauren. Like it should be.  
And Newt doesn't know what he was so worried about before. He can talk to Lauren about anything.  
"I know it's all my fault-"  
"No, it's-"  
"Don't try and tell me it's not just because of what I tried to do. Don't lie to me. It is my fault."  
Lauren bites her lip. "Yes, it is."  
Newt knows he wanted her to be honest, but it still hurts to hear her say it.  
"But you don't deserve to be punished forever." She puts her hand on top of Newt's, but after she has she looks slightly like she regrets it. Well, she looks confused, like she doesn't know why she did it. But Newt's just happy that she's touching him, and he turns his hand around and clasps her slim fingers in his.  
"Stop punishing yourself." She says quietly. "You deserve to move on from this as much as everyone else, but I don't think any of us will if we still have this guilt and blame and hate in our hearts."  
"So what, you forgive me?"  
She shakes her head. "Forgiveness is a different thing. I don't want you to blame yourself for Anita's death, but that doesn't mean I forgive you for... Theresa."  
Newt's not sure what to say, but he doesn't really need to be, because Lauren carries on talking.  
"You know, Theresa's so obsessed with how you're to blame for her best friend's death, it's like she doesn't even care that you cheated on her. It's as if she's just completely overlooked it. It's like she's forgotten that you're the same person she was with for all that time, it's like you're just a killer to her now."  
Newt flinches at 'killer'. It hurts. But it's like Lauren hasn't even noticed, she just carries on talking, but for some reason she starts running her thumb along the back of Newt's hand at the same time.  
"I can't forget. So I can't forgive."  
He looks at their intertwined hands instead of up at her. Because he can't handle looking at her, because all the pain he caused her is being reflected in her eyes.  
"I meant what I wrote Lauren, I love you." He says nervously. He knows it won't make any difference, but he wants to say it anyway, as if it's some last ditch attempt to get her to forgive him.  
"I know you do." She whispers. He looks up to see that tears are dripping down her face faster than they ever were before. Somehow he's managed to upset her even more by telling her something he hoped would make everything better. "And it's not fair, Newt. Because I love you too. And we could've done everything together; you and me against the world, remember?" She sniffs. "I love you, but it's not enough.  
Her saying she loves him doesn't make him feel as happy as he'd expected. It just proves to him how much he's lost.  
He sits up, so he and Lauren's faces are only centimetres apart.  
"You know I'm sorry, Lauren." He didn't realise he was crying until he tried to speak, and his voice seemed to be choked.  
"I know you are. But we can't be together." She shakes her head, and places her spare hand on Newt's cheek, wiping away his tears. "Maybe one day in the future, when it's been long enough for everyone to properly move on with their lives. Or when I'm far enough away from Hollyoaks that everything stops reminding me that you betrayed me... maybe then we'll be together. But until then, I can't trust you. And until then, we're just friends."  
"Friends?" he whispers, trying to concentrate on something over than how close she is to him.  
"Theresa keeps going on about how we need each other to heal through this. Well maybe you need someone too."  
"I don't need someone. I need you."  
She seems to look further into his eyes, and for a second she looks at him exactly like she used to, with so much hope and faith that makes him feel like they can do anything.  
"F-friends." She stutters.  
He nods reluctantly, but before he has a chance to speak her lips are on his.  
It's not a long kiss. It's over before he really has any idea what's happening. But it's still more perfect than he dreamed.  
When she pulls away she has her eyes closed, and when she opens them again they're suddenly so dry it's as if she hasn't even been crying.  
"Sorry. I.. forgot." She stills looks sad, but her voice somehow sounds a lot stronger.  
"A-are you sure that-"  
"We can't be together. I can't trust you. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes."  
Newt nods slowly. It's such a weird feeling when all your dreams come true at the same time as your nightmares.  
"We have to pretend that we don't feel like this." She instructs him. "Because we need each other, to help each other move on."  
Newt still doesn't say anything.  
"Well I need you any way."  
"I already said I need you."  
"Then we'll look after each other." She pulls her phone out of her pocket. "I'm sorry, I have to go."  
"I'll see you when I get out of here then?" Newt says quietly.  
"No." She shakes her head.  
"No?"  
"No. I'll visit you tomorrow." She smiles.  
She reaches over and hugs him before he says anything, and by the time he's snapped out tance she sent him into she's gone.  
A few minutes later a nurse comes in, to check his medication, but Newt hardly notices. He's still staring at the seat she'd been sat in. It still doesn't feel real. He still can't believe she was ever really there, saying she thought they could be friends... saying that she loved him.  
"You alright there Barry?" the Nurse asks, looking concerned.  
"Yeah, yeah.. I'm fine. Listen, could you tell me if there was just a teenage girl in my room? Quite skinny, black hoody, curly hair?"  
"Your friend, Lauren? Yes she was here, I was talking to her brother."  
"Oh good." Newt nods.  
"Why?"  
"I was just checking I wasn't seeing things."


	8. Chapter 7

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 7)  
_"Life is beautiful  
We live until we die...  
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.  
We barely make it. _  
Life Is Beautiful- Vega4

Theresa wakes up later than she means to. She wouldn't have cared normally, but today was Sunday 3rd July. The first Sunday of the month. And that meant Sunday lunch.  
For some reason, every month all of the McQueens would eat lunch together, even if they had been arguing for the whole month before that. Theresa couldn't lie and say she hated it, in fact it one was one of the only times she ever felt like she belonged to a real family, instead of one from desperate housewives.  
She's woken up at one o'clock, and lunch starts at two. She's irritated with herself, because this is the first night she's actually slept for what seems like forever, and she's slept for too long. She sits up faster than she thought was physically possible, and then runs around her room like a crazy person.  
Somehow she manages to have her shower and get dressed in 15 minutes, and then finds herself sat in front of her mirror. She can't be bothered with her makeup. She never really bothers any more. There's no one left to impress, and when she's wearing her layers and layers of foundation it feels like there's just one more thing in her life that's fake. She left her hair short as well, because it just seemed like too much effort to get her extensions redone at first, and then she kept it the same because she didn't want anything else to change. Too much had changed.  
She's ready early, but still doesn't want to go downstairs, so she sits down and listens to her iPod for a while. She'd never really understood Lauren's taste in music until the crash, but since then it was like she suddenly understood it. Ridiculous club music suddenly seemed so pointless, and stupid happy songs somehow just reminded her of how sad she was.  
"Theresa!"  
She hears Myra's shouting over the music that's blasting into her ears.  
"What!?" she yells back.  
"You can't get away with not helping every month. Get down here!"  
Theresa grumbles to herself, and then stuffs her iPod under her pillow and heads out of her room and downstairs, making special effort to slam the door and stomp down the stairs. Myra would ask what was wrong if she didn't.  
When she gets downstairs she immediately sees Zac and Micheala kissing on the sofa in front of her. She stomps her feet even harder as she bangs through to the kitchen, and is pleased that they break apart for a second so Micheala can shoot evils at her.  
"Theresa, how nice of you to join us!" Myra says sarcastically.  
Theresa just shrugs. "How can I help?"  
"You can mash these potatoes while I go get ready?"  
Theresa nods, and stands next to the pan while Myra throws off her apron quickly and runs up the stairs.  
She stands there on her own for a while, mashing potatoes aimlessly, but then she hears Carmel's voice behind her.  
"How you holding up?"  
Somehow Carmel was the only person who ever seemed to ask how Theresa was. The rest of them didn't seem to care anymore. Theresa knew they did deep down, but they just never showed it. They were all too wrapped up in their own problems.  
"Just the same as I have been all month." Theresa replied simply.  
"You sure you're ok after yesterday?"  
Theresa turns around. "Yesterday? What happened yesterday?"  
Carmel blinks back for a second. "Oh god, you don't know."  
"Don't know what?"  
No news was good news. Theresa learnt that. There was never anything that could make everything good again.  
"Newt... tried to kill himself on Thursday night."  
Theresa didn't say anything.  
What could she say?  
"I'd have thought Lauren would have told you-"  
"Lauren. Lauren knows?"  
"Well yeah, Calvin said she went to visit him today."  
"Sh-she's visiting him?"  
"Yeah. She went yesterday and she's gone again today."  
"You're wrong." She replies simply.  
"I-I'm not wrong, Theresa, she's there right now."  
"You're wrong." She shakes her head. "Lauren wouldn't visit him. She wouldn't care. She hates him."  
"Well Calvin said she was pretty upset about the whole things so-"  
Theresa's not sure what she's doing, but she slams the pan down and storms out of the kitchen without saying another word. Then she stomps her way all the way to the bus stop without thinking at all, and then jumps on the next bus to the hospital. Once she's sat on the back seat, she realises what she's doing, but by then it's too late, and she decides it's now or never.  
She's already been betrayed by Newt, and now she feels like it's happened all over again but with Lauren. She thought they were in this together, both hating Newt for what he did to them, but then Lauren went behind her back and visited him. Maybe she never really hated him? Maybe they were secretly together for all this time and secretly laughing at Theresa behind her back.  
At least now, Theresa's suspicions had been confirmed: there's no one in this world you can trust, and if there is, then they're the ones who die.


	9. Chapter 8

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When it All Falls Apart (Part 8)  
_"Where would we be now baby,  
If we found each other first,  
Where would we be now baby.  
And now I must confess, that I'm a sinking ship  
And I'm anchored by the weight of my heart  
Cause it's filled with these feelings  
But I keep my true thoughts locked, beside my hearts black box  
And it won't be found, it won't survive through the smoke or the wreckage  
So I crash and burn, I got a lot of things to learn..."  
Where Would We Be Now-Good Charlotte_

Somehow Newt and Lauren had already gone back to normal. But better than normal. There were no more lies between them; no more secrets. It was like they'd never been apart, and when Lauren was with him, she managed to forget everything. But if anything, that worried Lauren, because every now and again she'd forget how much he'd betrayed her, and she'd find herself questioning her decision for them not to be together. And they couldn't be together.  
She'd spent the whole night going over it, reminding herself why it wouldn't work, and trying to make her mind promise her she wouldn't dream of him. It hadn't worked. She'd dreamt of how everything used to be, before everything went wrong, back when their biggest worry was if they'd do their coursework, or if their parents would find out about them, or if they'd ever sleep together... Back then things were so simple that part of Lauren was almost bored, but right now she'd give anything for just a little simplicity.  
"Hey, what you thinking of?" Newt asks, nudging her slightly.  
She shakes her head and sits up. "I think I should go soon." She says quietly.  
"Oh...Ok." Newt replies, propping himself up on the pillows. They'd laid next to each other on the bed just like they used to when they were younger, but Lauren wasn't sure how they'd ended up there. It just felt natural. "Well, thanks for coming. It was really good to see you."  
She places her feet on the floor, and then turns around. "It was good to see you too."  
He sits up next to her, and once again they're only millimetres apart, but this time Lauren concentrates, and forces herself to stand up even though she's not sure her knees will hold her up.  
He looks at her, as if he's about to say something, but then Lauren's phone starts blaring Time After Time by Elliot Minor.  
"It's Theresa." She tells him after she looks at the screen, without really thinking it through. He looks down guiltily, and then throws himself back onto the pillows as she answers, running his hands through his hair.  
"Hello?"  
"Where are you right now, Lauren?" Theresa asks down the phone, quite calmly.  
Lauren hesitates for a second. She doesn't want to lie. That's the last things she wants. Theresa's the only person who's been with her through all of this. But she doesn't want to tell her the truth, because it will all cause trouble. And right now, things are the closest to perfect they've been for a while and trouble would just undo it all. "I'm at home."  
"Liar." Theresa replies.  
"Theresa-"  
And the line's gone dead.  
Lauren puts the phone down slowly.  
"What's going on?" Newt asks quietly.  
"She called me a liar."  
"Probably because you lied."  
"But how does she know that-"  
"It's Hollyoaks. Word gets around."  
Lauren lowers herself back onto the bed, reaching out behind her because if she doesn't she's scared she'll fall over.  
"You don't get it." She shakes her head. "You don't get how much things have changed."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean, I don't want to lie to her! I mean that she's the only person I can trust... Like, really trust. She's the only person out there who knows what I've been going through." She turns to look at Newt, who looks so guilty Lauren almost feels bad for reminding him. "I can't lose that, Newt. I need her."  
Newt leans forward again, and puts his hand on top of Lauren's. "You won't lose her."  
"Yes, I will. I lied to her, and I kept secrets from her and I talked to you! We swore we'd never talk to you..."  
He looks down guiltily again, but keeps hold of her hand. "Lauren, she-"  
The door smacks open, and Lauren glances up to see Theresa stood in the doorway. She quickly jumps up, off the bed and away from Newt, and then looks around nervously, unsure of what to say.  
"Theresa this-"  
"Don't." She replies. "Just don't. I don't care."  
"T-Theresa. I'm sorry." Lauren's already got tears in her eyes and the second she blinks they start dripping down her cheeks. "I was going to tell you about it, but I just-"  
"I get it, Lauren. You wanted him to yourself for a little while."  
"No! No that's not it I just-"  
"It's ok. I don't blame you. I'm not mad."  
Lauren blinks back. And glances down to see that Newt's staring down into his lap.  
"I should've known you'd find each other again, I just didn't think he'd do something that pathetic for it to happen."  
"Theresa..."  
Theresa turns away from Lauren, as if she's invisible. And Lauren suddenly feels like she can't speak. She feels like it's not right for her to speak.  
Theresa walks past the bed, that Newt's still sat on, and looks out of the window for a second, and then spins around to face them both.  
"This is really ironic." She says quietly. She speaks so simply that Lauren can't tell what she's feeling, or what she's thinking. She's completely blank.  
"W-what is?" Lauren stutters. Newt just looks too shocked to even think anything, let alone say anything.  
"That this is my hospital room."  
"What?" Lauren wonders if Theresa's gone crazy, but Newt's the one who asks the question.  
"This is the room I was in. This is the room I woke up in. You'd know that if you came to visit me, Newt." She still isn't conveying any emotion, but she's glancing around in a nervous, almost scared, way. "I was lying in that bed when they told me Anita was dead. And that it didn't look like Lauren'd make it. And that you were absolutely fine." Lauren feels like an intruder in this conversation, while Newt just looks down at his feet.  
"I'm sorry." Newt says quietly.  
"Do you want to know a secret? I said that I didn't care about you. But I was lying. I loved you, Newt. Even though you cheated on me and put me in hospital and killed my best friend... I loved you."  
Lauren stares at her. Because out of all the things she could've said, out of all the words that could've come out of her mouth, they were the last ones Lauren could imagine.  
"The truth is I thought we could get through this. You and me, Newt. Because I stupidly thought you'd choose me. I thought you'd say sorry and tell me she was a mistake and then we'd leave and everything'd be alright. But when you told me you loved Lauren... I guess it turned into jealousy then. And I decided that if you didn't want me then she sure as hell couldn't have you. 'Cause why should you two have each other when I've lost everything? I lost you, Anita... I couldn't lose Lauren as well. So that's why I lied."  
"Lied?" Lauren stuttered.  
Theresa nods. Lauren couldn't say when, but sometime since she'd started speaking to Newt Theresa's eyes had filled with tears, and now she was sniffing with almost every other word and shaking her head to try and blink tears away. "I said he was waiting to see if you were ok. That he wanted to see if you were alive and then he left. That's not true. He told me he loved you. He told me he wanted you. But I got rid of him and lied to you. " She starts full on sobbing then. And even though Lauren knows she's meant to be angry, she isn't. She feels guilty. Because she thought she had it bad not being able to remember, but now she could see that it was better to forget. She wants to run up and hug Theresa, despite the fact that what she'd done was unforgivable.  
"I'm sorry." Theresa sobs, staring at Lauren through tears.  
Lauren just shakes her head.  
All three of them stay there in silence for a long time.  
And Lauren just sat there and thought; thought about what they'd become. They used to be friends, long before everything got complicated. They used to be able to rely on each other, and trust that they wouldn't be let down. They used to have fun; they used to not care; it used to be easy.  
"What would Anita say if she saw us?" Newt mutters. Lauren spins her head towards him. It's weird, because she had exactly that thought as he said it.  
"She'd hate this. She'd be standing there telling us all to be friends." Lauren says quietly, sniffing.  
Lauren thinks she hears Newt laughing quietly, but she turns to see him sobbing like she was.  
And instinctively she sits on the bed next to him and puts her arm around him, finding herself crying again.  
"She's not here though, is she?" Theresa sighs. She walks around to the side of the bed Newt and Lauren are sat on, towards the door. "And I think..." she swallows, "I think if she was here, she'd tell us all that we've made mistakes, that we've done the wrong things... but it wouldn't really make a difference." She's not looking at anyone. She's staring away, over their heads and out of the window. Newt lifts up his head. Because there's a vibe in the room. As if the next thing Theresa says is going to be important, and they'll need to look at her to make sure it's real. "It was always really me and Anita, and Newt and Lauren. It was, I'm not going to try and fool myself. So you two should have each other, and I'll go off and try and make my own life somewhere else. But someone needs to stay here. Some of Anita's friends need to stay together. You can do that. And I'd like to think that she'll think I'm doing the right thing. And that she's looking down and... crying, most probably. But she's proud of me. I'm going to get over all of this, finally."  
She turns around towards the door. "Have a nice life together; give Anita something to watch from up there."  
And then she shuts the door behind her.  
And she's gone.  
And they both know they'll never see her again in this lifetime.


	10. Chapter 9

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 9)  
_"I know I said that I would keep my word  
I wished that I could save you from the hurt  
But things will never go back to how we were  
I'm sorry I can't be your world  
You know I love you, I really do  
But I can't fight anymore for you  
And I don't know, maybe we'll be together again  
Sometime, in another life"  
In Another Life- The Veronicas _

Newt flicks off the television and throws his head back on the pillow.  
He's meant to be going home today.  
He doesn't want to go home.  
He doesn't want to go back to Hollyoaks where reminders of Anita and what he did to Lauren and Theresa seems to haunt him at every corner.  
His phone buzzes as he thinks about how although he hates it so much, he wishes he could stay alone. When he was alone he wasn't reminded of anything.  
_From: Lauren  
Do you ever wonder how different everything could be? Sorry, I just had a weird dream... Looking forward to coming home today? x_  
He smiles slightly as he replies.  
_To:Lauren  
Of course I wonder that. But we can't change anything, can we? Yeah, home'll be good. X_  
How different could things be, really?  
Maybe, if he hadn't have tried to kill himself then he and Lauren would never have started talking again. But maybe if he had never gone in that car, they would never have stopped speaking. And maybe, if he had never gone near Theresa, then everything would be perfect. He'd have Lauren, Theresa would be happy, and Anita... she'd be alive.  
Really, what good did it do to ask himself these questions? Damn Lauren for making him think.  
After wasting minutes thinking about the different ways his life could be, he decides to get out of bed, because it might look bad if he's still tucked up in bed when his family come to take him home.  
He gets up and sits on the edge of the bed, looking at the door and waiting for it to open. He knows it's only minutes now.  
Then his phone buzzes again.  
_From: Lauren  
So, you're dreading it really? I know you too well. x_  
He smiles again. Lauren has that effect, even if it is only her text messages.  
_To: Lauren  
Yeah, you got that right. Do you want to come round once I'm home? x_  
He finishes replying as the door opens, and he looks up to see Darren stood in the doorway.  
"You alright, mate? Ready to go home?"  
Newt stands up. "Yeah. I am. Is it just you here?"  
"Yeah, everyone else is at home. Cleaning."  
Newt laughs. He's kind of glad Darren's the only one here. He couldn't possibly handle all of Frankie's questions on the way home, as he has every day for the past few weeks.  
He still hasn't told them why he did it.  
But he doesn't think Darren'll ask. Or he hopes.  
Newt goes to pick up his bag, but Darren beats him to it.  
"You just got released from hospital; you're not carrying your own bag."  
Newt raises his eyebrows. "Really?"  
"Really. But make sure you tell Dad about this. I'm still not really in his good books. Now, do I have to sign anything?"  
"No, they already had me signing everything earlier so we can just leave. Like now. Quickly."  
Darren laughs, and they head out onto the corridor together, then get into the lift.  
Newt's phone buzzes again, so he pulls it out of his pocket.  
_From: Lauren  
Yeah, if I'm awake. I didn't sleep very well last night. x_  
Newt texts back immediately.  
_To:Lauren  
Why not? x_  
He doesn't even notice Darren's reading over his shoulder until after he's sent the message and put the phone back into his pocket.  
"Texting Lozza then are we?"  
"We've only just started talking again... she visited me and... yeah."  
Darren nods as they leave the lift. It's as if he wants to say more, but he doesn't.  
They get into the car silently, and Newt stares at his phone and waits for a reply.  
He still jumps when it buzzes in his hand.  
_From: Lauren  
I told you, I dreamt about how things could be. If the car hadn't crashed. x _  
Newt sighs.  
"What you sighing for, bro?"  
Newt shakes his head and looks out of the window. "I kinda... love her"  
Darren scoffs. And Newt realises how stupid he must have sounded, yet somehow he doesn't care.  
"No. Really. I do. I always have. I can't spend a minute without thinking about her. I dream about her I-"  
"Yeah, ok fine, you love Lauren! I hope you two are very happy together!" Darren replies. sarcastically. Newt looks back out of the window sadly, and after a minute Darren speaks again but much less sarcastically. He sounds guilty. "Are you not..?"  
"It's too complicated. We can't be together."  
"Why not?"  
"Because... we just can't. But I love her. And now I have to go home and spend every single day with her, pretending like it doesn't hurt, and like I don't feel anything."  
"You... you don't have to go home."  
Newt turns his head. "What?"  
"I'm not meant to tell you this, but Frankie and Dad are organising moving away. With you."  
"They can't!" Newt yells before he's really thought. "I mean, they can't leave for me."  
"I know, I've told them that. But they want to." Newt bites his lip guiltily. "They already knew you didn't want to be in Hollyoaks any more, after the crash. But I think the... you know."  
"Suicide atte-?"  
Darren shakes his head. "Don't say it."  
"I have to. The doctor said that-"  
"I don't care what the doctor said! I don't want to hear you say it! Especially not around Dad or Frankie."  
"Why?"  
"Do you not think it kills them that you were so unhappy that you tried to kill yourself? They thought you were the only kid they'd brought up happy, and then you go and do that. You made them feel like they failed. And they're trying to make it up to you, whatever it takes. And that means moving to Dublin or whatever they're planning-"  
"They shouldn't... they can't blame themselves."  
"Yeah, well they do. And it doesn't make it any better that you won't tell Frankie why. She thinks it's her. She thinks she said something to you that night-"  
"I can't tell them! You don't get it Darren. Anita's dead because of me! I killed her!"  
Darren doesn't reply. He's completely silent. The words have been knocked out of him. So Newt carries on talking. Now he's started he somehow can't stop.  
"The car crash was my fault."  
"You swerved off the road, that doesn't make it your fault." Darren replies, quietly.  
"It does when I swerved because Lauren and Theresa found out I was cheating on them both!"  
He can't believe he said it. It's out. He knows he's meant to feel a weight of his shoulders. But he doesn't. A weight's come off his heart.  
"You were cheating on Lauren? And Theresa?"  
Newt nods. His eyes are somehow filling up with tears. He's wanted to say it forever. But he's started in the wrong place.  
"No. You wouldn't- you wouldn't do that. You're not that type of person."  
"Yeah, well that's what I became."  
"But.." Darren goes quiet again. "When? Why? I mean, I thought you and Lauren were... it. I mean, you just said you loved her."  
"Yeah. I did. I do."  
"Then why-?"  
"I dunno. But do you see now? Do you see why I couldn't tell you guys? Because you'd be disappointed in me. And I swear, I'm disappointed enough in myself, I don't need you guys doing it as well."  
"But..."  
Darren shakes his head.  
Newt doesn't say anything.  
Darren doesn't say anything.  
He just keeps driving.  
So Newt's on his own with his thoughts. And they swirl around his brain for the rest of the journey.  
When he sees the Hollyoaks sign he realises that he can't do this.  
He doesn't want to do this.  
He can't go home.  
He doesn't want to.  
"I want to leave, Darren. But I don't want Frankie, or Jack, or any of you to come with me."  
"You can't do that mate." Darren says quietly. "I know you think that the accident was your fault-" "Because it was."  
"-But... you can't run away."  
"It's not running. It's leaving. It's choosing a path to go down."  
"On your own?"  
"There's no one to come with me."  
Darren nods. "You don't have to do that."  
"Really? I think I do."


	11. Chapter 10

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 10)  
_"'Cause we lost it all,  
Nothing lasts forever;  
Sorry I can't be perfect.  
Now it's just too late,  
And we can't go back;  
I'm sorry I can't be perfect"  
Perfect-Simple Plan_

"Hey, how's your shoulder today?"  
Lauren laughs.  
"Sasha, what do you want?"  
Sasha smiles slightly. "Nothing, I just wanted to check you were ok." Lauren raises her eyebrows; Sasha may have moved up slightly in the sister stakes since the crash, but not quite coming-into-her-room-for-no-reason-just-to-see-if-she's-ok level. After a minute of staring her out, Sasha collapses next to her on the bed. "Fine, Dad sent me in. He's worried that you've not come out of your room yet today. He wants me to check you're alright."  
"I'm fine." Lauren replies. She's not sure if that's true. She's spent the whole day thinking her dream over, and wondering how she'd ended up here. How much her life had been ruined by that one day; that one minute.  
"You sure? Cal's worried too. He thinks it might be something to do with Newt?"  
For some reason Newt hadn't texted back since Lauren had told him about the dream. She must've freaked him out. Or upset him.  
That's the last time she ever shares her dreams with anyone.  
"No, nothing to do with Newt, I'm just tired."  
Sasha looks at Lauren completely disbelievingly.  
"How is he? Since the whole... suicide thing?"  
Lauren looks at her feet. She hates that word.  
"He's alright, I think."  
"So you're not worried he'll, you know, try again?"  
Lauren thinks about it. Would he try again, now Theresa's gone and he's friends with Lauren again?  
They don't talk about it, really. Every times she's visited him they've always tried to talk about less important things.  
But she can't see a possible way he could be as unhappy as he was then. No, he can't possibly be that unhappy as to try again.  
"No. I don't think he would. Things have changed now, I guess."  
"Well, that's good. I bet he's glad you have you around again."  
Lauren smiles. "Yeah, I think he is. I mean, I hope he is."  
Sasha looks back knowingly. "You like him don't you?"  
Lauren laughs. That's the last thing she'd say she did. She loves him. Her heart beats about twice as fact when she thinks of him, four times faster when she sees him, and she's just thankful she doesn't have a heart attack when his skin brushes against hers. It's in no way as simple as 'liking him'. She's about to reply, but suddenly her phone starts buzzing in her pocket. She looks at Sasha slightly apologetically before answering.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey. It's me."  
She smiles. This is more than ironic.  
"Hi you."  
"Listen, can you meet me? MOBs in like, 10 minutes?" He sounds stressed. He's only been home for a few hours.  
"Yeah, of course."  
"Thanks. Bye."  
Lauren hangs up, and instantly jumps up and heads out of her room.  
"Lauren, where are you going?" Sasha asks, still sat on her bed.  
"Meeting Newt. Bye."  
She runs down the stairs and out of the door so quickly that she slams into someone on the other side.  
"Newt."  
He laughs.  
"Mobs, right?"  
He shrugs. "Nah, let's just walk."  
She nods, and starts to walk alongside him. "So we're just walking... to nowhere?"  
"No, we're going somewhere. Just follow me."  
She looks at him for a second, like he's a little more than crazy, then smiles and walks anyway.  
He looks tired. So tired. "So, what's going on?" she asks.  
He shakes his head, as if that explains it somehow. "I thought I could come home, but I can't."  
"You are home. You've done it."  
"Yeah, but I can't stay here."  
"Why not?"  
He doesn't reply, instead he stops where they are, almost exactly in the middle of the cobbles.  
"You, me and Anita walked by that fountain, when we were on the way to my house to make cherry pie... And I first kissed Anita next to Mobs..." Newt turns around a little. "The first time I ever saw Theresa was outside Drive and Buy... I saw you beating up Anita from the top of those stairs...." He turns again. "And then there's Evissa..." He turns one final time, so he's back to where they were originally facing. "I keep seeing us all together. Every corner I turn; every alley I walk down. It's like memories are haunting me." He turns around to face her. "And I can't keep remembering, Lauren it hurts too much."  
Lauren looks up into his eyes. They're slightly filled with tears, and the lights shining off them and reflecting her own face back at her.  
"I know." She stutters, completely thrown by the fact that they're suddenly being heartbreakingly honest with each other. "I'm reminded too. But, I mean... it's good, isn't it? You wouldn't want to forget-"  
"I can't. I can't forget. It's all I think about Lauren, whether I can see these things or not."  
She doesn't reply. She can't. She doesn't want to talk about anything this important in the middle of Hollyoaks, where anyone could listen. It's as if he knows this, from the way she looks at him, so then he carries on walking.  
They walk next to each other, silently. And suddenly Lauren starts to understand what Newt was talking about. Every time she turns around, she could swear she sees them, walking together in a big group, just laughing and joking like they always did. Newt with his arm around Lauren, and Anita walking quickly by his side, trying to think of something interesting to say. Theresa on Anita's other side, struggling to walk in her heels, and trying to see if there were any fit lads nearby. They weren't perfect. And they didn't always get along. They hadn't really got much in common, and sometimes they would just drift apart for weeks. But they always had each other. All four of them, somehow, could rely on each other.  
And no matter how many times she tries to blink them away, they're always waiting around the next corner.  
She doesn't even notice where they are when Newt stops walking. It takes a few seconds for her to click that she's surrounded by water, and is stood on a wooden jetty that feels like it's about to fall apart any second.  
She laughs slightly to herself.  
"Why've you brought me here?" She thinks it's cruel really. To bring her to the place her dreams had all come true all those years ago.  
He sits down. "I'm not sure. There's only one memory I have round here. Things seem clearer."  
"Really? Things seem more complicated than they ever have sat here with you again." she replies, sitting down next to him.  
He stares out onto the water, and Lauren just looks at him.  
She thinks about how much, and how little, he's changed since they were last here. He's older, sure, not as skinny, taller, his hairs a little shorter, and he's not wearing his scarf. But apart from that, he looks no different. It's like nothing's changed. Like the last few years simply haven't happened.  
"I'm leaving, Lauren."  
It throws her back into reality. And she can't reply. Because somehow her eyes have filled with tears, her throats closed up, and she's not sure she'll ever breathe again. All because of three words.  
He turns around and grabs her hands. So she just stares at their intertwined hands, as if staring hard enough will just throw them back in time, to when they were last sat here with their hands linked.  
"I want you to come with me."  
"Y-you want me to... what?"  
"I don't want to be left with just memories of you. I want the real Lauren right next to me. A fresh start. That's what you said you needed. To get 'far enough away from Hollyoaks to forget what I did to you'. So let's just leave."  
Lauren nods slightly, still working hard on blinking back the tears that have flooded her eyes. "Where?"  
"Wherever we want to go, I guess. Just, drive around until we find somewhere we can call home."  
She's still staring at their hands. "You're crazy." She whispers.  
"Well, yeah. That's why I've been in hospital for the last 3 weeks." He laughs at himself, but Lauren can't. She can't move. She can't blink. He goes silent for a second. "It makes sense. We've talked about leaving this place for as long as I can remember. We could finally get away. Away from the memories, away from the voids. Just you and me."  
She tries hard to stop it, but she still feels a tear dripping down her cheek.  
"Just you and me?"  
"Like we always wanted."  
Their hands look so perfect next to each other. Their fingernails painted exactly the same shade of black, and her long fingers twisted between his. His beautifully pale skin next to her caramel coloured hand. She always said they were perfect for each other. She always said they'd spend their lives together.  
"Like it was meant to be, right?" she smiles slightly. "Like we thought it was going to be last time we were sat here." She sighs. "We were so stupid to think it was simple, weren't we? And we're being stupid right now, Newt. We can't just leave. We have school, we have our families-"  
"I don't care."  
"You should. It's insane to think we can just go. We have to stay-"  
"No. I have to leave."  
She looks up into his eyes, and sees he's serious.  
"So, are you coming?"  
"It's not that simple!"  
"Yes, it is. I'm going tomorrow-"  
"Why do you have to be so extreme and just leave tomorrow!? Why can't you stay, and think about it, and finish school and plan-?"  
"Because, I don't want to. I want to start again. And I want you to come with me."  
More tears fill her eyes, because she can't believe what she about to say. She breaks her hands from his and gulps. "I can't."  
And then she breaks down into tears, and falls forward onto his chest. He puts his arms around her, and he can feel him sobbing above her.  
"I can't believe I have to leave you."  
"You don't. You don't have to leave."  
"I wish that was true."  
She doesn't reply. She just clings to him, as if the tighter she holds him the less likely he is to leave.  
But he's going to leave.  
And it just means that's she's the only one left.  
She's completely alone.


	12. Chapter 11

Disclamer: **I don't own Hollyoaks. But one day I hope to write for them! **

When It All Falls Apart (Part 11)  
_"I can live without you,  
But without you I'll be miserable at best."  
Miserable at best- Mayday Parade_

He didn't register when it started to rain.  
He didn't see when it went dark.  
He just held her.  
Because he couldn't see any way he'd ever be able to let her go.  
And he can't remember when he did eventually take his arms away from around her.  
And he can't remember the walk home.  
All he can really remember is opening the door to his room, locking it, leaning against it, and crying himself to sleep.  
Because he's leaving. And she's staying.  
Somehow, he'd never thought she would stay.  
He'd imagined her saying yes a billion times in the walk there, but never once saying no.  
But she had.  
And now Newt was leaving. His stuff was packed, Jack's car was cleaned and Frankie and Jack had tried to talk him out of it a billion times.  
But there was no going back.  
He'd said all his goodbyes.  
And now he just had to leave.

---

She sits. She sits wondering what the hell she's doing letting him leave.  
Wondering why she just said goodbye without really thinking what she was saying goodbye to.  
It was like writing herself off, really. Committing herself to the rest of her life sitting in Hollyoaks, bitterly wondering what her life could've been like, with only her memories to keep her company.  
She looks around the house, and asks herself how she could've ever chosen this. How could she want to stay here over complete and utter freedom?  
She wonders where her family are. They've left her home alone for the first time since the crash, yet somehow it's the only time she's really wished they were here.  
She leans back on her chair, wondering whether it was some sort of evil fate or karma that brought her here.  
She closes her eyes.  
And suddenly, everything's so much clearer.  
Because when she closes her eyes, she sees his face. She sees what she really wants, and that's him.  
She grabs a pen and paper quickly, because she feels like if she's not fast enough things will start to fog up again.  
She scribbles out words. Mostly empty words. She wasn't good at the goodbye notes. She wasn't like him.  
_I'm sorry. Staying here's too painful. I'm going to be ok, whatever you think. I love you. Lauren. x_  
Then she jumps up and rushes into her room, grabs her old games bag and packs it up.  
She's not sure what she's putting in there. But she's not sure she has time to think about it.  
She doesn't know when he's leaving. She doesn't know if he's left. She doesn't know if she's too late.  
But she grabs her bag and storms out of her house anyway, shutting the door behind her.

---

He stares up at her house. At her bedroom window. Hoping somehow she'll still change her mind.  
It's like a last ditch attempt to have everything he dreamed of.  
He gives up.  
He has to give up some time.  
Now feels right.  
He turns around, and heads towards Jack's car, which Darren's parked out at the front of the cobbles especially.  
And he gets into his car after throwing his bags onto the backseat, hopefully keeping the passenger seat empty, just in case.  
He places his hands on the steering wheel, and then realises he hasn't driven since the crash.  
He hasn't been in this car since the crash.  
He spins his head round quickly, and swears he can see Anita sat next to him, feel Theresa kicking the back of his chair and hear Lauren sobbing.  
What's the point in leaving if the memories are just going to be in the car anyway?  
He closes his eyes.  
And it all fades away.  
He's on his own. Just like he's always going to be.  
It takes all the will power he has to put his key in the ignition and turn it. The engine seems to roar around him, echoing around his head.  
He's ready to leave it all behind. He wants to leave it all behind. But somehow it doesn't feel right.  
He feels the pedal under his foot, and he's about to press it when suddenly he hears someone shouting "Stop!"  
Shouting his name and telling him not to go.  
It's Lauren's voice. She's in his head.  
"Newt, wait!"  
He shakes his head, trying to knock her voice out of his head.  
But it doesn't go away.  
If anything, it gets louder.  
Or... closer.  
He turns his head hopefully back towards the village.  
And there she is.  
And she's really there. She's not a hallucination or his mind playing tricks on him. She's actually there. And she has a bag.  
Is she coming with him?

---

She hears the engine as she runs down the steps, and shoots her head up in instinct, because she knows it's him.  
And then she runs even faster, and finds herself yelling him to stop. She's practically pleading with him not to go.  
He's ignoring her. Or he can't hear her.  
But she carries on yelling anyway. It's the last chance she'll have.  
And then he turns his head, and looks straight at her. It's almost as if he's proving to himself that's she's real.  
Then he gets out of the car, and stares over the top of it at her.  
She just smiles at him, and runs towards the car and round towards him.  
And then she's in his arms again.  
How can she have thought that she could handle life without Newt's arms around her?  
"I can't believe I nearly left."  
"I can't believe you nearly left." She laughs. "Without me."  
He smiles down at her, and brushes the hair out of her face.  
"You're coming with me?"  
"I have to."  
He puts his arms around her again, and she just buries her face in his chest.  
They stay there for a while.  
A long while.  
And then they seem to get into the car without saying anything, and Newt starts the engine.  
"Ready to leave?"  
She nods, looking out of the window at the place she's leaving behind.  
And then he starts to drive away.  
She can't help but be sad. She can't help but wonder if she's doing the right thing.  
She's lived the most important years of her life here. And it's weird, but she almost feels like she's leaving her memories behind. Or more importantly, she's leaving Anita behind.  
But she had to it some time.  
She turns her head and sees Newt.  
She's with the right person. She knows that. She couldn't have handled a world without him.  
They drive in silence for a while, neither of them needing to say anything. Both of them just needing each other. And needing to say goodbye to Hollyoaks in their own way.  
And then they're down a road that seems oddly familiar.  
But Lauren doesn't know why.  
And she notices that Newt's gripping the wheel tighter, but can't think of a reason why it would've panicked her.  
Then it hits her.  
"This is..."  
He nods.  
And even though he doesn't say anything, she knows he needs her.  
She takes his hand, and holds it tight.  
"We're going to be ok. Together."  
He turns his head slightly, and looks at her. It's as if he's scared.  
"It's going to be ok." She says again, quietly.  
She stares down at their intertwined hands again. How can she have ever thought that she could've handled life without him?  
"I love you." slips out of her mouth before she's really thought about it. But she doesn't regret it.  
"I love you too." He replies, not looking as scared anymore.  
They carry on driving down the road, their words echoing around the car.  
And Lauren leans her head against the window and finds herself remembering something she thought she hadn't lived through. The crash. The blood, the screaming, the crying... she can remember it all.  
And then she sees the flowers lying next to the road, even all these months later.  
She swears to herself that this moment is one memory she'll never


End file.
